Rant - Not Wasting My Life

In the world I've created for myself, the gray one that doesn't allow extremes, I find myself struggling to raise the bar on the general level of productivity in my life. I'm not asking for the moon here, I don't want to break any land records for work accomplished in a week, just the ability to focus on a task that matters to me without it turning my stomach.

What is it that gives me such amazing stints of accomplishment? Why at times can I be not only focused, but creative or even prolific? What chemical is in my brain that makes it not only possible, but enjoyable?

I haven't felt or seen that for months. That upsets me, as I have some great projects I'm working on that need my attention. My brother Nick and I have a plot summary for some novels we wish to write, and for a while we were doing quite well with character sketches and related shorts -- getting our feet wet so to speak. It was even exciting. Now its drudgery. My friend Greg and I are working on a software project on the side to fill a hole in the project management industry (I was originally going to purchase, but what I needed didn't exist). I've spent about 2 years on some of the subsystems (primarily an enterprise scale data transport layer in c#) and what we have planned is exciting. We are getting close to having something in alpha form. But actually sitting down and working on it? Drudgery.

So, I'll start laying blame. My health isn't the best. I'm tired a lot. I play floor hockey most weeks, but that doesn't seem to be enough. So, I started swimming at the Y in the evenings which seemed to help some, but I slacked off that too. More drudgery, not to mention that I seldom enjoy being in a change room full of testosterone and creatine laden muscle heads casting sidelong glances to add data to their eternal manhood evaluation.

There's also work. I haven't had any real energy for this company since .. well, since back when we believed all the lies. I still do my job, but there's nothing else in it: no more energy, creative breakthroughs, all nighters, or epic team efforts that end in success and praise from above. Sometimes I feel like I drudge so much at work that I just can't bare to do more in my spare time.

And the big finale, WoW. I truly enjoy the game. They've built it so that the smallest accomplishments are rewarding, the biggest ones are more so, and I feel good when that happens. In a way it satisfies much of my need to accomplish. It doesn't help that many of my family and friends play it too and we are sometimes all online together reaping the social rewards collectively. It may be 'just a game' but with the built in chat client (very IRC or Messenger like) the sense of community is very real. My own disgust that comes from how much time I spend playing it is placated by my knowledge of how much more time other people spend watching TV, which is far less mentally stimulating. And the fact that I'm making excuses for myself tells me that, once again, I'm playing it too much.

So what's the resulting solution? I have to suck it up! Excuses are for the weak! I have to get off my ass and do something. I have to take the spike of energy I currently have (the one that prompted this blog entry) and use it to get back on my horse. In the process, I have to set up my environment so that when the spike is gone, my routine and surroundings encourage me to be productive and not waste my time.

I bloody hate the idea.

TPC