Rant - Who The Hell Am I

I don't know who I am anymore. I don't say that lightly.

I thought most people were grounded in their core values by the time they were my age, which is 32 come April 3rd. Not that all core values are productive, but at least they exist. Maybe I'm disillusioned and most people are not grounded in core values, but if that's true the world is scarier than I formerly believed.

I think it's impossible to not have some values. I have many. However, I've lost my core values, and I'm fighting a real battle to deal with that. Many of the core values I've had in my life, meaning beliefs I've held from birth until recently, haven't meant anything to me for maybe two years. I'd give some detailed examples, but I don't want to scare some of the people who I know read this blog.

I don't think I can just get new ones. We are talking about the fabric of your individuality, not a new pair of jeans. My core values defined me for 30 years, they made me into the person I am. I still like and dislike things based on the residuals of those values, and it will be very difficult to shake those if I choose to. That's what core values are all about: slowly molding your personality the way a waterfall molds rock.

I gravely miss that power. I more accurately miss believing in those larger-than-life values, and using them to help me make decisions and overcome obstacles in my life. I miss blind faith. I miss conviction.

This has lead me to wonder if I'm normal, as determined by a random selection of people at a party. I don't think I am. I know most people think the same thing on some level, but I'm not talking about individuality. You know when you go through your mental list of people you know ... family, friends, work mates ... and you categorize into the people you like and the ones you aren't exactly partial to? In more detail the categories can range from quiet types to womanizers to deep and intelligent people, but all are usually just normal people trying to get some enjoyment or productivity from their day.

Then sometimes there's a real three-dollar bill, an eccentric. Someone who people don't know if they like or not, and that's if they flat out don't like the person to begin with because the person is too unfamiliar. Talking with the person is uncomfortable. Being alone with them is fear inducing. Well, I think I'm that eccentric.

I don't feel I fit in anymore. I've somewhat alienated myself even from my long time friends, and family. I didn't intend any such transformation, but it's there. No matter who I'm with or what setting I'm in, I have the nagging feeling of 'I don't belong here.' When other people laugh, I have to fake it. When other people talk I have to feign interest. Then I have to suspect they know I'm faking it. That makes the entire interaction shallow. That's arrogant, and my fault, I'm aware, but I just can't turn it into something else. Every social situation now is painfully difficult for me.

I'm told I over analyze everything, so what do I think? I think I feel alienated because I don't believe what other people believe. I used to, and I truly, truly miss it, but it doesn't happen anymore. What other people say to me is rarely interesting -- I try, but I drift. What they find funny I find mundane, thus the fake laugh. I think what they believe in is hollow, but trying to portray my stance is like trying to explain Christianity to an atheist.

So that's me. This isn't a pity trip, just a blog to help me get through the self admission phase. To all the normal people out there: I envy your conviction, and I silently apologize for making you feel uncomfortable.

TPC